Parenthood made me realize that I kinda suck. Seriously. Becoming a parent put my red flags on blast. It’s been a rollercoaster of self-actualization.

A Mirror

Parenthood served as a mirror, reflecting my strengths and weaknesses in stark clarity. I knew that parenthood would challenge me, but I didn’t anticipate the depth of self-discovery it would bring. Parenting became a crash-course on addressing my own shortcomings, navigating the labyrinthine depths of my emotions, and deciphering the intricacies of my own atypical mind.

Uncharted Emotional Territory

Despite immersing myself in diligent parenting studies, nothing could fully ready me for the profound wake-up call that was coming. Parenthood became a journey into uncharted emotional territory.

The end of my pregnancy was rough, and when my twins made their debut, there were no joyous cries of celebration. No tender moments of skin-to-skin bonding. My babies were born, and rushed away to the sterile walls of the NICU, where they would be put in separate rooms. Away from each other. And away from me.

Trauma has a way of bringing certain things into focus, and amidst the chaos, I found a lot of clarity.. So, I realized, I’m not as great as I thought I was… in fact, I actually kinda suck. I have flaws that demand my attention. It’s been a humbling experience, to say the least. These flaws manifest in numerous facets of my life, including my insecurities, relationships, how I understand emotions, and how I interact with the world.

But rather than dwell on my shortcomings, I dove straight into therapy like Michael Phelps dives into a pool. But let me tell you, it wasn’t an easy swim. Things got worse before they got better. Self-actualization can be a formidable force. Therapy has helped me navigate the complexities of my own emotions and behaviors. 10/10 highly recommend.

Shattering Generational Cycles

I’m determined that my children won’t be left bewildered by the same challenges that left me feeling lost. While some parents may simply offer the sentiment, “I struggled and overcame it, so you can too,” I have a different perspective.

For me, understanding and overcoming my flaws extends beyond personal triumph; it’s about shattering generational cycles. It’s about providing my children with the tools and support necessary to thrive and succeed in ways that previous generations may have found elusive.

This is all magnified by the fact that I have autism, which adds an extra layer of complexity to the process of self-improvement. To be clear, I don’t view my autism as a flaw; rather, an integral part of who I am. But it does influence the way my mind operates, which is why I mention it now, for transparency’s sake.

My Blueprint

My children absorb everything around them. They’re like sponges, soaking up every gesture and trying it out for themselves. When I wave, they wave. When I smile, they smile. It’s humbling to realize that my behavior is a blueprint for theirs.

My children will emulate not just my words, but my actions, attitude, and reactions. This has served as a gentle reminder to become the best version of myself.  My children’s future will be shaped by the blueprint I provide.

Thus, the moment has arrived to confront my flaws head-on. While I won’t overwhelm you with a list of my shortcomings, I’ll offer a glimpse into a few areas I’ve been working on…

Finding Internal Validation

One such flaw is my tendency to lack internal validation and rely too heavily on the approval of others. Too often, I find myself prioritizing the happiness and opinions of others over my own. It’s a flaw that can lead to feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and an annoying need for affirmation.

I want to model strength and autonomy for my children. My goal is to empower them to cultivate strong boundaries, to prioritize their own needs and desires, and to assert themselves confidently in relationships and interactions. I want my children to understand that their worth isn’t determined by the approval or validation of others, but rather by their own sense of self-respect and fulfillment. If they find themselves in a situation that is toxic or unhealthy, I want them to trust their instincts and have the confidence to remove themselves from it.

And yes, I understand that simply telling them this isn’t enough; I must lead by example. I want my children to see a parent who prioritizes their own well-being, who sets healthy boundaries, and pursues their passions with confidence. It’s a flaw I’m working on.

Realistic Expectations

I set the bar unrealistically high for myself, often striving for perfection in every aspect of my life. And when I inevitably fall short, I’m self-critical and unforgiving. I am a harsh critic of myself.  I’ve come to realize the toll it takes not just on me, but on those around me…

I don’t want to pass on this damaging behavior to my children.  I don’t want them to constantly strive for perfection. I want them to understand that it’s okay to make mistakes and that they don’t need to be flawless to be worthy of love and respect. I want them to be gentle and kind to themselves.

How will my children respond when they spill a drink or accidentally break a toy? What if they misplace something valuable to them? These small incidents may seem trivial, but they provide crucial opportunities. How I react to my own mistakes and shortcomings will serve as their blueprint for self-reflection. If I respond to myself with patience and understanding, they are more likely to adopt a similar approach.

I’m letting go of the notion that constant perfection is the pinnacle of achievement. I’m working to understand that true fulfillment lies in self-acceptance and kindness. Striving for constant perfection is not only unrealistic but unnecessary, and y’all it’s exhausting. And it’s not a vibe I want in my house…

Their Childhood Home

My house will become their childhood home. I hope to cultivate an environment where mistakes are met with compassion. A place where emotions are welcomed and embraced. Where they feel free to express themselves fully without fear of rejection. I want them to look back on their childhood with fondness, not pain or regret.

Parenthood has forced me to take a hard look at myself and acknowledge areas where I could improve. It’s a tough pill to swallow. There have been moments of discomfort and humility. I realize that I may not always meet the expectations I’ve set for myself as a parent. But it’s okay to be flawed if I’m willing to learn and grow from those imperfections.

And my children will be watching.

p.s. As I learn more about myself, I’ve also realized that I’m kinda cool too. I like myself.

With best wishes,
Elizabeth Banks
The Uncustomary Housewife