We’d been counting down the days until our second ultrasound. We were overwhelmingly excited in the best possible way. My husband and I walked into the ultrasound room filled with hope and anticipation. We were finally going to see our baby! And we would get one of those cute ultrasound pictures to show our loved ones.
Content Warning: This post contains information about pregnancy, miscarriage, and depression that could be upsetting for some readers.
But that’s not how the day went. During the ultrasound we quickly realized that I’d had a miscarriage. The news was absolutely unexpected and quite tragic. We truly had no idea. Everything seemed so perfect. So normal.
The Before
When we found out about our pregnancy we were thrilled. It’s something we wanted more than anything in the world. All of our dreams were finally coming true.
My heart was filled with love. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I started talking to my baby. I told them stories. I told them how much I loved them. My body started changing. I started showing. It was spectacular and super exciting. My love continued to grow substantially.
The first ultrasound went perfectly. Everything was progressing as it should. I’d been experiencing the emotions and physical changes that a pregnant woman should be experiencing.
I craved radishes. I ate extremely healthy and worked out daily. I was committed to my pregnancy and my baby completely. And I was taking tons of naps. Seriously. So many naps.
So we had every reason to believe that things would be perfect at our second ultrasound….
The News
When we saw our second ultrasound on the screen we both knew. My husband squeezed my had with all the gentle strength he had. We were both heartbroken. We knew exactly what the images on the screen meant.
Everything after that felt like a heavy fog or a far off echo. My OB kindly spoke with me. She patiently made sure I understood everything. She explained that the yolk sac and all traces of my baby were gone, and bleeding had started (subchorionic hemorrhage).
We left the OB office and cried in the car for what felt like forever. We called our loved ones and told them. We called my general practitioner and told her that I wanted to discuss therapy options. And we went home.
Over the next several days I began physically experiencing my miscarriage; heavy bleeding, intense cramping, nausea, etc… It all became very real. It hurt physically. But it destroyed me emotionally. It was psychologically debilitating. At times it’s seemed unbearable.
Moving Forward
It’s been 4 days since we learned about our pregnancy loss. It’s all still happening. This won’t be easy. We need to grieve. We need to put the broken pieces of our hearts back together. I need to heal physically and recover mentally. It will take time.
We will always love the baby we lost. They will be a part of our family forever. And I trust that we will be okay.
We will take care of each other. And will try again.
Why I’m Sharing
My friend and my OB both told me that first trimester miscarriages are more common than people think. People simply don’t talk about it. About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, with about 80 percent of miscarriages happening in the first trimester. So if you’ve gone through this, I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you are not the only one. I’m sharing this in case you are also having a tough time. I’m sharing because I want you to know that you are not alone.
And for the people who will say; “at least you weren’t further along”, “at least it happened early”, or any statement insinuating that a first trimester miscarriage is “easier”. I want to say that no miscarriage is easy. A miscarriage means a lost child, no matter when it occurs. There was a baby. I told that baby I loved them. My husband and I imagined a future for them. And our baby died. Nothing about that is easy or better because it happened earlier.
I’m also sharing now because I need to move forward. My husband and I need to move forward with hope. I honestly don’t know what else to say right now. We will move forward.
Sincerely, Elizabeth Banks — Uncustomary Housewife
Mental Health Resources Crisis Text Line The Crisis Text Line is free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. United States and Canada: Text HOME to 741741 United Kingdom: Text HOME to 85258 Ireland: Text HOME to 50808 Web: http://www.crisistextline.org National Suicide Prevention Lifeline If you or someone you know is in crisis, whether they are considering suicide or not, please call the toll-free Lifeline to speak with a trained Crisis Counselor 24/7. Call: 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK) Web: suicidepreventionlifeline.org Uncustomary Housewife Mental Health Directory In this blog post you’ll find two lists; a list of Crisis and Help Lines and a list of Supportive Communities. Web: Uncustomary Housewife Mental Health Directory
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