In lieu of Valentine’s Day gifts my husband and I bought tickets to a Horror Convention. But I love my husband more than Norman Bates loves his Mother, seriously I love my husband more than Beatrix Kiddo loved crossing Bill’s name off her Death List; so I couldn’t ignore Valentine’s Day all together. So, this morning I started making funny, horror themed, “Valentine’s cards” for him on my phone… He proposed that I post some in a blog, so here are 27 of them (photos); I tried to keep this post clean, like Dexter Morgan’s kill room, but that is really hard to do when you want to quote Patrick Bateman. Enjoy!
Tobe Hooper’s, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, (1974): “I’ve loved you from the moment I SAW you.”
Tobe Hooper’s, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, (1974): “You really get my MOTOR running.”
Brad Pitt, Kevin Spacey, and Morgan Freeman in Se7en (1995): “You think this card is great.. Wait till you see what’s in the box!”
Zachary Quinto, as Dr. Oliver Thredson, in American Horror Story: Asylum (2012): “I want to make a lampshade out of your skin. Because you light up my life.”
Evan Peters, as James Patrick March, in American Horror Story: Hotel (2016): “You put the hot in psycHOTic.”
Christian Bale in the movie version of the Bret Easton Ellis book, American Psycho (2000): “You make me sweat more than Paul Allen’s business card. You like Huey Lewis and the News?”
Christian Bale in the movie version of the Bret Easton Ellis book, American Psycho (2000): “VHS and Chill?”
Michael C. Hall, as Dexter Morgan, in the TV version of Jeff Lindsay’s Dexter book series (2006-2013): “Sorry for tearing your heart out. But anyway you slice it, you’re mine, Valentine.”
Elle Driver, aka. California Mountain Snake, in Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003): “Valentine, you put the hot in psycHOTic.”
Dennis from Eli Roth’s, Original, Cabin Fever (2002): “Be mine, Valentine. I’ll make PANCAKES.”
Ariel Levy and Ignacia Allamand in Eli Roth’s, The Green Inferno (2013): “Being alone on Valentine’s Day is a real pain in the neck! Be mine, Valentine?”
Anthony Hopkins, as Hannibal Lector, in the movie version of the Thomas Harris book, The Silence of the Lambs (1991): “Valentine, open the Chianti. The Census Taker is on his way over.”
Buffalo Bill, aka. Jame Gumb, in the movie version of the Thomas Harris book, The Silence of the Lambs (1991): “Roses are for baskets, lotion is for the skin. You will be my Valentine, or get the hose again.”
Anthony Perkins, as Norman Bates, in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), movie version of the 1959 novel by Robert Bloch: “I’ll go PSYCHO if you aren’t my Valentine.”
Anthony Perkins, as Norman Bates, in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), movie version of the 1959 novel by Robert Bloch: “You put the hot in psycHOTic.”
Tobin Bell, as Jigsaw, aka. John Kramer, in the Saw franchise (2004-?): “Hey Valentine, Do you wanna play a game? . . . . Seriously though, wanna put together a jigsaw puzzle, or something?
Wes Craven’s Freddy Krueger, from the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise (1984-?): “Being alone on Valentine’s Day is a nightmare. Let me be the man of your dreams.”
Wes Craven’s Freddy Krueger, from the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise (1984-?): “Let’s give love a shot, be my Valentine!”
Billy and Stu, the “Ghostface Killers”, in Wes Craven’s Scream (1996): “Call me on Valentine’s Day? It’ll be a real SCREAM!”
Macomb McDowell, as Alex, in the movie version of A Clockwork Orange (1971): “Valentine, I can’t take my eyes off you.”
Norman Reedus as Daryl Dixon in The Walking Dead TV Series (2010-?): “You don’t need Cupid’s arrow, when you’ve got Daryl Dixon’s crossbow.”
Alexander Skarsgard, as Eric Northman, in TrueBlood, (2008-2014): “Hey Valentine, You’re just my (blood) type.”
Deborah Ann Woll, as Jessica Hamby, in TrueBlood, (2008-2014): “Hey Valentine, You’re just my (blood) type.”
Linda Blair, as Regan MacNeil, in The Exorcist (1973): “Valentine, you make my head spin!”
Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954): “Valentine, we’d have a splash together!”
Danny, from The Shining (1980), based on the Stephen King novel: “Happy Valentine’s Day” — REDRUM style.
Chucky and Tiffany, from the Child’s Play franchise (1988-?): Hey Doll Face, be my Valentine?”
Note to Readers: There are so, so, so, so, many more cards that I wanted to make. But, like Michael Myers, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner… creeping up on us quickly. So, this is all for now. Just remember, this was all for fun! I got a few of these “horror jokes” from other sources, some are simply too obvious, and most of them I made up this morning. So, if one person gets a giggle from this post then I’ll be fine.
Love, the Uncustomary Housewife.